I figure we’re close enough now for me to share the secrets of my nightly beauty routine with you.
1:10 AM I’m pretty tired. I tell myself I should probably go to sleep but then I keep finding things on the internet that excite me and I think the Internet is so amazing how could anyone sleep ever when there’s this much awesome stuff to read and click?! And then I feel wide awake and read articles about cats finding boxes to hide in or dogs posing with stuffed animals that look like them. I HAVE BEATEN YOU, SLEEP! I think as I click further into the cute section of buzzfeed. And then I wake up a few minutes later and do that whole thing again.
1:30 AM I tell myself I should really go wash the makeup off my face because television commercials tell me I shouldn’t sleep with makeup on my face. Also the blemishes on my face back up that story. I tell myself if I just get up long enough to wash it off I will wake up in the morning without a single blemish on my skin.
2:00 AM I go on twitter and mindlessly read through tweets and favourite them. There is a tweet about a beauty tip. This reminds me I should get up and take that makeup off so I can be beautiful enough to tweet beauty tips too. This is it! This is the moment I’m actually going to get up and do it.
2:20 AM My eyes feel heavy and tired again. I think the best response to this feeling is to rub my eyes furiously. I realize I didn’t wash my eye makeup off. My hand is black. My face is probably black but there is no scientific way of proving this because I’m too lazy to look in the mirror (okay I could use PhotoBooth as a mirror because I always do that when I’m lazy but I’m mostly afraid of what I look like at this point). My eyes burn now. Oh god the burning! The burning is way worse than the sleepy feeling.
2:26 AM Okay, that’s it! There’s no way I can put it off any longer. I need to get up and wash my face so I can go to sleep like grown ups on television commercials go to sleep. And after I cleanse my face with my pro active I’m going to be so pretty and look like I’m still wearing makeup because that’s what television tells me will happen and television is always right. I’m doing it! I’m folding back the blanket to get up! This isn’t a test! It’s happening!
2:32 AM I’m somehow still laying in my bed. I’m now imagining myself putting my pro active on without getting out of bed. Maybe it’s a placebo affect. Maybe if I trick myself into thinking I put cream on my face my skin will clear up. Okay this is just ridiculous now. Time to go wash my face once and for all and go to sleep!
2:37 AM I forgot about my daily Double Down casino free spin! Oh my god it’s a Christmas miracle! Maybe I will win a million free chips!
3:00 AM I won a million free chips and my mind is blown because that hardly ever happens! I feel very special! I will just play a few rounds of DaVinci Diamonds and then I will go wash my face I promise. Just two spins…Okay just ten spins…Just one more…
11:00 AM I wake up nestled into my Macbook and Double Down has lost it’s connection after being inactive for 8 hours. Makeup still on face. Oops.