The 2014 New Year’s Resolutions I Will Pretend to Focus On

Pretty much every New Year’s Eve I sit around with friends or maybe just a giant chocolate cake all to myself and I think about my resolutions, which I’m sure most people do, but this New Year’s Eve was different. Instead I sat around with a group of friends and played the Battlestar Galactica board game (this time not in costume). I bought a pretty faux leather dress in case we went out to a fancy party so I wore that at my friend’s kitchen table to play the game and I drank ginger ale in a wine glass so I could pretend it was champagne and I nestled down with my friends and 40 delicious peanut butter cookies and was dealt my cards to see if I was going to spend my New Year’s Eve as a human or a cylon. I’ll admit I was hoping to be a cylon even though the last time I got to be a cylon I was physically stressed about having to keep it a secret from Boyfriend because the game was spanned over two days. But sure enough, I was to spend New Year’s Eve 2013 as a boring human. The game became so heated because everyone was just so positive that everyone else was a cylon that we had to set an alarm on our phones for 2 minutes to midnight so that we could have a minute to compose ourselves and start liking each other again before we rang in the new year together as friends. So the alarm went off and we stood up and gathered together for the count down and then I kissed Boyfriend at midnight and we said a few nice words about how great it is that we are all friends and then we went right back to that board game and accusing each other of sabotage and I didn’t even want to look at Boyfriend again because I just knew deep down that he was a cylon and that he was destroying my armoury and hangar deck! And I was right and he yelled “THERE IS ONE GOD!” and I wanted to break up with him but then I reminded myself it was just a game and then I didn’t actually want to break up with him anymore.

So the point of me telling you this other than to let you guys know that my New Years Eve was more eventful than yours because I was blown up by cylons before reaching Kobul and you were just drinking champagne and watching fireworks is to use this blog post as a place to post my resolutions for 2014 because that’s what everyone does and I don’t want to be unique.

I thought long and hard about my 2014 resolutions (and by long and hard I mean I thought about them for ten minutes in the shower this morning) and came up with these:

 Lisa’s Spectacularly Easy to Achieve New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I resolve to eat 1/2 lb. less of chocolate this year.
2. I resolve to attempt and fail at yoga at least twice this year.
3. I resolve to spend less time on my dog bed and more time being social outside of my house (dog beds make the best pillows by the way) (I don’t have a dog by the way)
4. I resolve to be better at saving monies this year so I can have more money saved up to blow on useless trinkets from England when I go on vacation with Boyfriend in the fall.
5. I resolve to actually keep up with this blog unlike every other thing I have started writing in my entire life (the only thing I’ve ever finished was a screenplay I wrote in grade 10 and the whole script was written on loose leaf with purple sharpie marker because I refused to write with anything but purple sharpie markers for 2 years of my life).
6. I resolve to eat better for the first two weeks of January until New Year Guilt wears off.

Wow, 2014 will hold so many changes for me!

In all honesty, every year until now my one resolution has been the overused “I resolve to quit smoking – haha I don’t even smoke to begin with” joke because making resolutions just puts too much pressure on me and then I will bend under the weight of that pressure and nothing will ever get done and I will feel like a failure. So this year I decided to try real resolutions, I just made them more realistic. Hey, I could have resolved to attempt and fail at yoga only once this year and I chose two! Don’t judge me! That’s a big improvement!

As much as I try to act like I’m above those people who resolve to lose weight, get a better job, be nicer to my friends and all those other terrible things, deep down part of me is still a giant walking “New Year New You” cliche. Give me another day or two of eating leftover stale Christmas cookies on my couch and I will be googling how much a gym membership costs and promising to my friends that I’m going to lose 15 lbs and keep a calorie journal even though we all know that journal will inevitably turn into a score pad to keep track of who wins when I play cards with my friends while eating chips and dip that I bought with the money I made from selling my gym membership for half price on kijiji a month after purchasing it.

If anyone reading this is offended that I think it is cliche that you resolved to lose weight, get a better job and just become an overall nicer person and the reason you are offended is because you have actually accomplished these things in the past then I bow down to you. You are a better person than me.

I hope you all achieve your resolutions in 2014, even if it just means you will eat one less chocolate bar a year!