Last night I went for a drive with my friend Evan.
I seriously cannot remember what conversation sparked a conversation about Jurassic Park and dinosaur DNA, but not long into the drive we were in a very heated discussion about the plausibility of a Jurassic Park being able to exist and thrive in today’s society.
That’s a lie, I remember where it started! I was telling Evan about the stupid conversations I was having with Boyfriend the other day. One of them consisted of me telling Boyfriend that in grade 7 I lived in fear because I was told, from an internet article (so it is obviously true) that scientists have the ability to clone dinosaur DNA now. The Lost World just replayed over and over in my head. I expected a t-rex to stroll into town and take over. In my head he was going to live under the bridge by the school kind of like a troll. But I kept him living under the bridge because it was way better than constantly thinking about a free range t-rex who could hang out in my backyard and eat my dog and my family. Then I told Boyfriend I was pretty sure there was a rich man in Australia or South Africa who was trying to create a real life Jurassic Park. After which, I turned to Boyfriend and said “I’ll admit, now I may be confusing real life with Jurassic Park 1.”
So I asked Evan if he remembers reading such articles? If there was, in fact, a way to clone dinosaurs and for a rich man to recreate Jurassic Park for realsies. Was there a need for me to continue living in such fear?
Evan: I think the scientific premise behind the movie doesn’t work because there’s not enough genetic material left behind in mosquitos. Trying to put together a genetic code from what’s left over would be too much patchwork.
Me: So you can’t clone a dino?
Evan: Not like that but I guess it’s possible if you get leftover dinosaur DNA. I feel like I read a similar article to what you think you read in grade seven.
Me: What I THINK I read, eh?
Evan: I’m just saying…things are a tad foggy for you.
Me: So if they just somehow have DNA they can clone a dino.
Evan: I guess.
Me: WHAT IF A MOSQUITO BIT TWO DIFFERENT DINOSAURS? WOULD YOU GET A FRANKEN-DINO??
Evan: I feel like scientists are smart enough to determine that there are two distinct genetic codes.
Me: What if they are just being lazy?
Evan: I doubt that would happen.
Me: It’s possible!
Evan: I don’t think anyone would want a chimera of dinosaurs running around all willy nilly.
Me: (not hearing him correctly) All milly what?
Evan: All milly vanilly. Dinos running around all milly vanilly.
Me: Okay, second question. Prob actually fifth question. Let’s say Jurassic Park exists. Which could happen. How likely is it for a t-rex to cross the ocean and eat me from my bed?
Evan: Not without a boat.
Me: They found a boat in Lost World.
Evan: I just doubt it. They can’t swim.
Me: They could prob doggy paddle…IMAGINE MAKING A LIFE VEST FOR A T-REX!
Evan: Pterodactyls on the other hand. There’s nothing stopping them from flying across the ocean and fucking shit up. That’s why they were caged in Jurassic Park.
Me: I think that’s what happened. That’s why birds look so scary and dinosaur like.
Evan: It’s called evolution…that’s what birds came from.
Me: Do we really believe in evolution though?
Me: I’m just kidding. Evolution for the win!
Evan: Modern day vultures come from velociraptors.
Me: So in conclusion…
Evan: Fish are friends not food.
Me: What? No. In conclusion, Jurassic Park can’t happen?
Evan: Not saying it can’t. Just that the scientific premise behind the movie is off. Not saying that we won’t have the technology that could amplify the DNA in mosquitos in the future.
Me: If that happens I want to be near Jeff Goldblum. He will save me. Well, him and gymnastics will save me.
Evan starts impersonating Jeff Goldblum and I change the subject.
Me: I’m so into The Bloggess right now. I asked Boyfriend if we could change our anniversary from July 4th to July 3rd like hers and Victors. Which is pretty weird of me, I know.
Evan: You are Leslie Knope. Leslie Knope would do that.
Sidenote: My friend Amanda has a blog and on it she once blogged about her Jurassic Park wedding theme idea. BRILLIANT. If I ever get married and stuff I’m stealing it. Heads up, Amanda. Amanda also has a new blog post and the end of her blog post is basically a rant about me. Because I’m difficult to be friends with.
Check it here.
And here’s the Jurassic Park one. Because what little girl doesn’t dream of a Jurassic Park wedding? Also, if that was back in grade 7 that they started cloning dinosaurs, by the time some of you get married you could probably have a real life t-rex as your ring bearer.
Editors note: To prove that elementary school Lisa wasn’t crazy, our extensive editing team here at Damsel in a Dress used every resource necessary to prove that a rich man was building a Jurassic Park and going to clone dinosaurs. Luckily the team only had to go so far as Google and search “real life Jurassic Park.” They found the information here. So the huge team here at Damsel proves that Lisa isn’t AS crazy as suspected. But they are very disappointed to inform you that the real life Jurassic Park has fake dinosaurs. Not really worth cashing in all of your savings to fly to Australia. Way to disappoint, Clive Palmer. Way. to. disappoint.
Artist rendering of Lisa’s biggest fear in grade seven.
Oh, by the way, if you like dinosaurs I have another interesting link for you here. There just happens to be a group of Creationists who go on expeditions in the Congo in search of living dinosaurs. So there’s still hope. Fingers crossed.