So it’s two nights ago around midnight. I get the craving for a midnight bagel so I go upstairs and make one, slather on the cream cheese, bring it back downstairs and settle in on the couch to watch an episode of Supernatural with Roommate. Right before he turns the episode on (Houses of the Holy – one of my least fav episodes but hey a bad episode of Supernatural still has Sam and Dean in it – AMIRIGHT?!) my head fills with pressure. “What is this?” I ask myself. It feels weird. I’m used to feeling many weird feelings but this is a new weird. So I get up and go to the bathroom to see if maybe I just need to blow my nose or something. I bend down to get some tissue paper and that’s when I start bleeding out of both nostrils. “OH GOD THIS IS IT. I’M DYING!” I think. Roommate walks into the bathroom and sees the blood and says he wants to take me to a physician. “Nah,” I shrug it off, “it’s all good in the hood, just a bit a blood.” That was my outward response. My inner response? “JESUSHCHRISTIHAVEATUMOUR! ALL THOSE FREAKIN’ MRI MACHINES GAVE ME A BRAIN TUMOUR!”

The bleeding only lasts a few minutes and then I get a nasty headache so I slouch off to bed without my Sam&Dean fix. I get in bed and text Boyfriend what happened and that I’m going to sleep now and Boyfriend tells me not to die and I say I won’t. I go to sleep and my nose remains free of blood all night and then in the morning I text BestFriend who is a nurse and who gets way too many texts from me lately that start “Baby? This terrible weird sickness thing happened to me last night so now you have to tell me exactly what it is via text.” And then she usually does and she’s usually right (I keep telling her she has to go to med school so she can be my doctor). This time she tells me to go to the hospital because every weird thing that happens to me could bring a doctor one step closer to figuring out what is wrong with me. So I pack my book (Let’s Pretend this Never Happened by Jenny Lawson – buy it you won’t regret it) and head off to the hospital.

The cab driver asks me why I’m going to the hospital because he doesn’t care much for privacy and I respond that I work there. Every time a cab driver asks me why I’m going to the hospital (which is way too often, UNDERSTAND WHAT PRIVACY IS, CAB DRIVERS!) I lie and tell them I work there. One guy once responded with “interesting, you don’t look like a nurse.” First of all, that’s just stupid, what does a nurse look like? Sure I wasn’t wearing scrubs but nurses take those off when they aren’t working, buster! I was wearing a leather jacket. I wanted to yell at him MY BEST FRIEND IS A NURSE AND SHE HAS A REALLY NICE LEATHER JACKET AND IT LOOKS GREAT ON HER AND SHE CAN WEAR IT AND STILL BE A NURSE. Instead I just shrugged it off, paid him the fare, gave him a nice tip because I like to come across as a nice person, and left the vehicle. So I tell this cab driver I’m going to work and he drops me off at the main entrance and then I walk all the way around back to the Emergency Department entrance because I felt the need to hide the fact that I needed to see a doctor.

I walk into the Emergency Department and it is insanely packed and 75% of the people sitting there look like they may expire in those very chairs. “Oh good,” I think. I’ll be waiting here until next Monday.” The florescent lights have already brought my headache back so I cover my eye and sit down to be registered. The nurse who registers me is really nice and sympathetic and tells me someone will take care of me as soon as possible. That makes me feel good and I want her to hug me but she’s a stranger and I could have a contagious disease so I don’t ask for her to hug me. I have to wait a little while before she comes back to get me to be triaged and as soon as she calls my name I see her hand my chart over to the nurse from the other night who didn’t know what baclofen was and I moan under my breath. When she takes my blood pressure I make that awkward joke about how I might as well just buy a room in the hospital. She doesn’t laugh. I think back in fear and wonder if I accidentally said it in my terrible Cockney accent that I use for my terrible jokes. Probably.

I wait for a little while in the emergency department next to an Irish woman with a lovely accent who fell and hurt her arm and used this fancy scarf as a sling and I want to ask her where she got her sling because it was super stylish but I have a rule about not talking to other humans at the emergency department because it seems like whenever you say “excuse me” or “you’re stepping on my coat” they hear me saying “I want to know why you are in the emergency department, then I want you to complain to me about how long you’ve been waiting, and considering we might be awhile why not go back to the beginning and tell me your whole life story?” So pretty much every time I’m in the ER I close my eyes so everyone thinks I’m sleeping because that’s way better than having to listen to someone’s life story.

I don’t have to wait very long, surprisingly, and the doctor tells me I have an untreated sinus infection and gives me antibiotics. I text Boyfriend this news and he is happy that they gave me something to make me feel better. I respond with “I’m just happy it’s not a brain tumour. I thought for sure last night that I had a brain tumour!” And then he says “So your reaction to having a brain tumour was to go to sleep?” Which to me was logical, it’s not like a brain tumour will grow eight sizes in one night. I figured it was okay to go to bed. Then Boyfriend excitedly says “maybe you don’t have MS at all, maybe it was all just a sinus infection!” I laugh and think wouldn’t that be nice.

Then I go to the gift shop at the hospital and buy two ice cream and put them in my purse for later. Then Roommate picks me up and I forget about the ice cream in my purse and they melt onto my Short Term disability forms, because I’m a grown up.

And that’s pretty much the whole story. Except I will add that my antibiotics are hot pink and look really pretty.

The end.

17 Comments on My Nose Hurts.

  1. alienorajt
    January 14, 2014 at 2:35 pm (6 years ago)

    Poor you: how very scary. Hope you are feeling better now.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 14, 2014 at 2:36 pm (6 years ago)

      I am feeling much better now, thank you!

      Reply
      • alienorajt
        January 14, 2014 at 2:37 pm (6 years ago)

        Great! So glad to hear this.

        Reply
  2. Blockader
    January 14, 2014 at 2:37 pm (6 years ago)

    I am glad your brain is tumor free… I once rushed to the emergency room fearful that my appendix was about to explode, turns out I was giving birth to a kidney stone instead.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm (6 years ago)

      Ugh that sounds terrible. I hope you didn’t have to wait a gazillion hours in the ER to find that out.

      Reply
  3. Jen and Tonic
    January 14, 2014 at 5:15 pm (6 years ago)

    ““So your reaction to having a brain tumour was to go to sleep?””

    This is also my question. If I thought I had a brain tumor I would be doing three things: (1) Writing goodbye notes to everyone I love and (2) Figuring out how I could catch up on all the tv shows I’m behind on before I die and (3) Calling my ex-boyfriend and letting them know I’m dying and it’s most likely their faults.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 14, 2014 at 5:20 pm (6 years ago)

      Well apparently my three things would be:
      1) Sleep for ten hours
      2) Catch up on Walking Dead
      3) Play the card game Phase Ten until I win because I’ve played it about 30 times now and still haven’t won it once and I just wouldn’t be able to die a Phase Ten loser.

      I like your things.

      Also, we should probably rethink some of our priorities in life.

      Second thought – no. Our priorities are perfect.

      Reply
  4. Caleb Woodard
    January 15, 2014 at 1:10 am (6 years ago)

    I had a similar issue with the ER, not a possible tumor, however I had the flu so bad I couldn’t drive, so my mother had to take me. I felt like death. I had to wait 45mins to see a doctor, while waiting luckily my fever broke but it got so high where I blacked out in the chair for 2mins. Apparently my mom almost had a heart attack me being her only child. All in all I got out and fine, then I was pissed the next week when I noticed before I lost 5 lbs after 2 wks of working out and the one week with the flu I lost 25 lbs. Not fair, I tried to be healthy and I lost more by being unhealthy. I sense a conspiracy!!

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 15, 2014 at 1:42 am (6 years ago)

      45 minutes is a pretty quick time in my neck of the woods. I went there about a month ago and the nurse thought I had internal bleeding and then I had to wait 8 hours. Yay! I’m glad you did not die. And 25 lbs in a week is pretty intense, but losing a few lbs with the flu is a perk of having the flu to me 😛

      Reply
      • Caleb Woodard
        January 15, 2014 at 2:31 am (6 years ago)

        Yeah I know that 45 mins is quick ha but with feeling like death it could have seemed like waiting 2 days! But yeah the bad thing was is that it seems that its the easies way to loose weight for me!

        P.S. I know that is not a healthy though!!

        Reply
      • lisermarie2013
        January 15, 2014 at 2:09 pm (6 years ago)

        Well it definitely is the easiest way to lose weight, regardless of whether that’s a good or bad thing. When you just can’t help but spend a few days throwing up and you can’t stomach the thought of chocolate or cheeseburgers you’re bound to lose a few off the ole belt buckle.

        Reply
      • lisermarie2013
        January 15, 2014 at 2:10 pm (6 years ago)

        I said “lose a few off the ole belt buckle” like that’s a really well known saying and now I’m questioning myself and wondering if it’s even a saying at all?

        Reply
  5. joynpain2
    January 15, 2014 at 9:32 am (6 years ago)

    I feel I must repeat the fact that I LOVE reading your posts. People like us with a chronic illness have a much more laid back attitude about going to the Dr. that most people don’t understand…we’ve been there enough times geez!

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 15, 2014 at 2:08 pm (6 years ago)

      All terrible jokes in Cockney accents aside…I could seriously buy a room in that emergency department. I bet you’ve made that joke before too haha.

      I love when you say you love reading my posts! Makes me so happy!

      Reply
  6. The Hook
    January 29, 2014 at 3:47 pm (5 years ago)

    Best. Title. Ever.

    Reply
  7. Helena
    March 9, 2015 at 12:19 am (4 years ago)

    Isn’t it nice when pills are pretty? I really think pharmaceutical companies should start to “beautify” pills. I actually do feel a little sad when I see a huge plain boring white pill. And I really did get super excited once when I was looking at my mother’s pills – a rainbow of colors. I know I’m being silly … but it helps a little. Like the medicine they gave me when I had strep throat that was banana flavored. I remember receiving some horrible tasting medicine and thinking, “Why can’t all medicine taste like donuts or something?” Really, why not?
    PS – I’m totally hooked to your blog. It is a great escape from the nerve pain I’m currently battling.

    Reply

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