I have noticed recently that I am apparently really weirded out by things that most people don’t really feel one way or another about. But these things upset me and make me uncomfortable on a whole new level. I could probably see a therapist about some of them, but I will instead write about them as a form of therapy because I can’t afford actual therapy. I tried seeing a therapist once. I thought I would love it because it was going to be a whole hour of me talking about myself to someone who has been trained to listen and act interested. And I thought maybe I would feel like I was in a movie, but it turned out to be really weird. The guy was technically still a student and he told me he was filming the session for educational purposes. When he asked me at the beginning why I was there I just started crying because I was so upset that it didn’t feel like a movie and then I never went back because I mostly just went to see if it would be like Analyze This. Anyway, let’s move on to the list of 10 things that make me uncomfortable.
1. When people spoil television shows on Facebook.
I know some people don’t really do much except watch television, and that’s cool because sometimes that’s all I like to do too, but that doesn’t mean that just because you saw the Game of Thrones finale when it aired on Sunday night everyone else on your Facebook saw it too. Some of us love the show just as much as you do but we don’t have time to watch it until two months later because we got behind on two weeks of every television show that we watch and we watch almost every television show that is currently on air. Some of us really really want to find out who dies on our own terms. It’s seriously not that difficult to just not update your Facebook status with the names of everyone who died. I’m not completely naive – I know that I have to avoid Twitter for two whole months when this happens, but Facebook is full of my friends so it should be a safe place. For shame, friends. For shame.
You may be wondering why this falls under the category of “things that make me uncomfortable,” and not “things that piss me off immensely.” The reason it makes me uncomfortable is that I no longer know how to interact with this person in real life. If my Facebook friend Sam ruins The Red Wedding for me, and I see him at the Gap, instead of saying “hi, Sam!” I will say “Hi, Human who ruined Game of Thrones for me.” Or I will avoid him all together because I’m still upset. Or I will expect him to walk over to the women’s sale rack to tell me in person that he’s sorry for ruining my life. Or I will shout across the standard boot cut jeans table that he’s an asshole and he probably won’t even remember why because The Red Wedding happened seven episodes ago. And then Sam will be mad at me for calling him an asshole so he will try to avoid me the next time the Gap has a 40% off sale. It’s just a never-ending cycle of discomfort. It’s worse than being on an 8 hour flight in skinny jeans and not being able to unbutton them.
2. The sound that styrofoam leftover boxes make when they move around.
It seriously goes right through me. When I take home leftover food from a restaurant I have to build a barrier for the styrofoam boxes in the back seat of the car so there is absolutely no way they will move during the ride home.
3. Most, if not all, face tattoos.
I know this may alienate some of my readers, but I think that honesty is really important. If you have a face tattoo and I am walking towards you on a sidewalk I am going to pretend that I’m meeting a friend for coffee and that she is conveniently standing on the exact opposite side of the street at that exact moment. I am then going to wave at my pretend friend and then I am going to risk getting hit by a car to run across the road to fake-meet her. I am doing all of this elaborate act just so I won’t seem rude when I feel it necessary to cross the street just to avoid your face tattoo. For all I know you might be the nicest person in the world. You might be a pediatric doctor who does pro-bono cleft palette surgeries on poor kids and maybe you just got a face tattoo because your best friend got black out drunk one night and woke up with one, and maybe he is going through a really tough time in life right now so you wanted to prove to him that he’s not alone by getting a matching face tattoo. And good for you! Really, that’s very nice of you, but I’m still going to run away from you. Please don’t take it personal, you just make me feel very uncomfortable. But I do wish you all the best with those surgeries, and I really hope that your friend is okay now.
4. Weak handshakes.
I know this is something that a lot of people dislike but I obsess over weak handshakes. If someone shakes my hand and all I get is a limp handshake in return it’s all I can think about for a long time. It ruins my whole day. I can list off everyone who has ever limply shaken my hand. I won’t hire you if you don’t have a firm handshake (I probably won’t hire you anyway because I’m a secretary with no managerial power now). I probably won’t be your friend if you have a limp handshake. It’s not rocket science. My father taught me at a young age the importance of a firm handshake and I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason I ever got any job that I’ve ever gotten. Once I was meeting someone and they came in for a handshake but I was really far away and there was a giant desk between us and I didn’t get as close as I wanted so they only got to shake half of my hand. I still have nightmares about that.
5. Public toilet seats.
I don’t care what science actually has to say, I will forever believe that I can catch an STD just by hovering over a public toilet seat. To me there will never be an okay time to actually sit on a toilet seat with no barrier between me and all of the diseases. Being drunk isn’t even an excuse. It doesn’t matter if I’m about to pee my pants or if the toilet paper holder is so tight that I can only rip off one tiny square at a time, I will wait until I cover every last inch of that infested toilet before I let my behind get anywhere near it. I refuse to be that girl who is always so cautious about everything in life and ends up getting herpes anyway just because she had to pee while Christmas shopping at the mall. And please don’t tweet me to tell me that it’s just an urban legend. It makes no difference to me that when I google it the internet tells me how it’s highly unlikely that I would get genital herpes from a toilet seat because it is a sexually transmitted infection spread by skin-skin contact. I don’t care that these science people are considered experts in this field. Some people believe in Loch Ness, I believe in toilet-herpes.
6. When people talk very loudly in public.
Okay, I get it. You want everyone to know about your weekend and how it was so much better than everyone else’s weekend, even though I heard that girl to your left say that she just returned from her honeymoon trekking through Peru. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there, we’ve all wanted the attention we unjustly think we deserve. We all have stories that we think are just hilarious that no one else finds funny. I understand. But do you have to shout the story of your entire weekend to a group of people? They are sitting right next to you. This isn’t the time or place for it. This is a mall food court and I’m trying to read in quiet!
When this happens I can’t concentrate on anything else going on in the world. My ears zone in to those stupid conversations and my face gets all red and hot with anger. I basically turn into an angry cartoon character who gets so fired up that they suddenly develop train-parts and blow steam out of their heads. I usually turn around and ask these self-entitled strangers to be quiet because I can’t handle how uncomfortable it makes me. But that often makes for an even more uncomfortable situation when strangers start calling me a douche-nozzle. It’s really a lose/lose situation for me.
7. When people trespass on my property.
If I ever own my own house I’m positive that I will develop an ulcer from worrying about children stepping on my grass. I am not a Type A personality at all, but for some reason I just cannot handle anyone using my property as if it’s their own. At the age of ten I was a kid who would actually open the front door and shake my fist at the neighbour-kids if they rode their bike down the field that technically was a part of our property. I even had the blueprints and all of the papers to prove that we owned the field between our house and the neighbour’s house and I was willing to break it out and show them every single time I saw someone step foot on it. We didn’t have a lot of money when I was a kid so we couldn’t really afford to put up a fence in our yard, especially because I was the only one who demanded a fence. No one else in my family, not even my mother who was paying the bills for the house, cared about drawing those boundary lines. It made me squirm and feel so uncomfortable because I just wanted it to stop but I knew I wasn’t allowed to yell at the kids. Oh, how I longed to live in a world where snotty little children couldn’t cut through my grass just to get to the corner store. That was at the age of ten, so I’m sure you can only imagine what I’m like now. These days it manifests itself in different ways. For example, I get really upset any time someone takes my boyfriend’s parking spot in front of his house, even though he just parks on the side of the road. I always want to egg their car, but, of course. Boyfriend just shrugs it off because he’s normal.
8. That feeling when you’re wearing a pair of winter gloves and you’re trying to take them off after you get inside and without thinking you use your teeth to pull on one of the fingers of the glove and then you feel the wooly texture of the glove between your teeth and you cringe.
That feeling haunts me.
9. Reality television.
You probably think that I love reality television. I feel really bad for myself because I was just thinking “I wonder what a stranger reading my blog thinks of me” and the first thing that came to my mind was “they probably think I watch reality television.” Well, I don’t. I really don’t understand the appeal. It’s brain dead. I was watching my sister watching Big Brother one night and I thought I was going to get physically ill. I had to leave the room. My sister is intelligent and also watches really good television shows but she is addicted to Big Brother. I just can’t handle watching her watching it. She gets so into it that she claps when something good happens, like they can hear her. And all because someone managed to transport 10 eggs on a spoon from one end of a soapy downward sloping track to the other. No thanks. I watched one season of The Glee Project a few years back because it was On Demand but I realized after watching the whole season that I wasted way too many hours of my life. Also, the person that I wanted to win didn’t even win in the end! What’s the point?!
10. When I’m listening to a radio station and between songs they take a phone call from some random person who is entering a contest or they want to request a song.
This sort of relates to my hatred for reality television. Listening to people call in to radio shows upsets me so much. It’s always so awkward. The person on the phone doesn’t know what to say, or they pronounce something wrong, or they act cocky and make a fool of themselves. I just can’t handle it. Why can’t you just tweet a song request like a normal human being? Why do you think that everyone in your city wants to hear what you have to say about AC/DC being the best band in the world hands down?
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON PHONE-IN TALK RADIO SHOWS.
I just came to a conclusion about myself that expert therapy couldn’t help me reach: I am a grumpy old man. Solved.