I’ve been reading lots of blog posts lately that are letters to your younger self. I loved this idea and thought I would do it too. I can be a tad sadistic, over-imaginative and dramatic at times, so I thought I would end my letter a little different than most people. If I could send a time traveling letter back to my younger self there’s no way in hell I’d let that opportunity pass without fucking shit up a bit for her. I know she’d love it.
Dear nine year old Lisa,
Hello. How are you? I’m fine, thank you. I am writing you from the future. I am you at age 25. Don’t ask questions, just read.
I’d ask how life is going but I already know. You’re doing pretty great, eating your fudgsicles, playing soccer, getting the front of your hair dyed to look like the Moffatts, wearing rip off Adidas pants like it’s nobody’s business. Girl, you are probably the most awkward nine year old that ever existed. But you’re happy and you’re healthy and you’re going to stay that way for awhile so live it up. Listen to your Lil Bow Wow and make up dances to O Town’s Liquid Dreams. Play with your Baywatch barbie dolls in the bath tub for hours and put bandaids on your Scooby Doo body pillow so you can practice being a doctor. Put on that body suit and work out to that Tony Little exercise VHS. Go into your creepy basement with every book that you own and a stamp set and pretend you’re a real life librarian. Read all of those books over and over.
You may be wondering what has happened in your life in the last 16 years. 16 years is a long time after all.
First of all, you get over your parents divorce and you don’t have to hide the fact that your parents are divorced anymore because it pretty much becomes trendy. You trend-setter, you!
You grow out your mushroom cut. Thank god.
It’s been 16 years now and Jumanji hasn’t happened yet, you can probably turn the light off at night now.
You haven’t married Brian Littrell. You will be happy to know that The Backstreet Boys are still touring though. You even see them live in concert with your best friend. It’s one of the best nights of your life.
You haven’t married Zack Hanson, either. He has a lot of kids now, I think. They still tour too, though.
Justin Timberlake did surprisingly well for himself. He is the one, out of all the Tiger Beat boys on your wall, that you still gush over at 25.
Don’t be upset that you don’t marry a Boy Band member. Don’t worry. You find your own musician and he has a wonderful beard. By the way, beards will be cool when you are 25 and you will stop thinking they are gross. Your bearded boyfriend will make you feel happy and special.
In grade seven a girl is going to threaten to have a stronger girl beat you up. You will be scared at first but it’s probably one of the best things to ever happen to you because you get your best friend out of that.
You’re not a jock anymore. Books become more important than sports. That might upset you right now, but that’s just because you haven’t read JD Salinger yet. Give it time.
You get bullied a lot. But one of the main reasons you get bullied is because you stand up for other people. That is a really good thing for you to do. I am proud of that. It’s worth the tears in the end.
You’re still weird at age 25 but the world is a much different place in 2014 and it’s actually cool to be a socially awkward book nerd of a woman. It was worth all the hard looks in high school. Make sure to thank Tina Fey and Zooey Deschanel for that one.
These days boys who like boys and girls who like girls are allowed to get married in Canada and some other places. You will like this.
Y2K is going to scare you. You will insist on hiding under a table at the stroke of midnight. It’s not really necessary.
Dunkaroos still exist. So you have that to look forward to.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will stop making detective films. But just wait until you see Passport to Paris.
Instead of becoming a professional soccer player you will develop severe asthma and earn a Masters degree in university. Someday you will know what a masters degree means.
You never moved to Hollywood to be a Days of our Lives actress. It’s okay. That seems less desirable to you at age 17.
You will find out that House Hippos aren’t real.
In university a friend will invite you to an anti-Valentine’s Day party. You can be lazy sometimes and not go to parties but make sure you go to this one. Kate will be there. Kate is awesome. You will like her.
Everyone will try to get you to watch Battlestar Galactica. You are stubborn so you refuse for many years. Make sure you give in eventually.
In university they will create something called Facebook. You will no longer have to go outside to hang out with your friends. You can do everything on a computer from your bed because computers get really small and portable. Try to still go outside sometimes.
At 25 you will have a good career and a roof over your head.
For years you will hope that The Princess Diaries will happen to you so by 25 you plan on living in a castle in Genovia, but you’ll learn to settle for that apartment downtown that only has a couple mice when it gets really cold.
You turn out pretty well, if I may say so myself. You laugh a lot, you smile a lot, you love a lot and you stop looking like a boy around 17.
There’s so much in store for you.
P.S. I almost forgot something. In ten years time, at exactly 13:05:33 do not look up – no matter what. Millions of lives depend on it.
And do not forget these numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
You have 3 seconds to memorize them before this letter self destructs.