gympic

Today I went to a gym to have an assessment done with a personal trainer.

I know. I’m just as surprised as you are.

I don’t really do gyms except for the few times in university that I went to the campus gym and sat on the stationary bike to watch television. But I understand that it is time to take my health into my own hands so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do a free assessment to see what this working out thing is all about.

My anxiety level was an 11 out of 10 as I entered the building that houses the gym. I walked around for a few minutes trying to find a way upstairs to the gym entrance. I stopped and drooled at the new Caramel Flan Latte at the Starbucks on the first floor. One word: caramel-whip-cream. I come to this building on a regular basis but I already knew where the Starbucks was so I didn’t think I’d ever need to find a way to get to another floor.  I found an escalator that was under construction. “This is a sign, Lisa,” Inner Lisa told me. “This is too hard and too scary so you should give up now. You can’t even find a way to get into the gym for chrissakes!” But persevere I did and I eventually found a stair well. That stair well had a sign directing me to an elevator near it so I walked past it and pressed the button to go up to the third floor to the gym. I got in the elevator and pressed the 3 button and then six or seven other humans dressed in business suits got in and pressed a bunch of different buttons and I was cornered in the back. When the door opened for level 3 they all looked around to see who had to get out and I figured it would be easier to just look around and act confused like them and ride the elevator up to the floor they were getting off at so I wouldn’t have to make them all get out to let me off and cause a scene. So I got to floor number 5 in my yoga pants and holding a pair of sneakers, when surely they all knew I was trying to go to the gym, and then I casually walked out of the elevator and turned a corner like I belonged on that floor and then I snuck back to the elevator and rode it back down to the third floor in peace.

I saw the glass doors to the gym and my heart started pounding a little. “I don’t belong here,” I thought. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Instantly I looked lost and the man behind the front desk asked if he could help me the same way he would ask a small child who looks lost in a grocery store. I told him I had an appointment with a personal trainer in a few minutes and the whole time I was saying this to him I was staring at the Women’s changing room sign. It’s literally a giant W symbol for “women” next to a giant M for “men.” He told me I could go get changed and then meet her back out front. I then asked him where I go to change, as I was staring directly at the freaking change room. He pointed out the obvious and I crept towards the giant W.

I walked into the W room and right away I was met by naked women proudly showering and towel drying their hair. “Nope, this is too much,” I thought. “I am not comfortable with how comfortable they are being naked.” I consider myself a progressive modern woman but I was nervous enough without having to change my rubber boots in a room full of naked body builders. I watched them drink their protein drinks and put on their mineral makeup and I put my rubber boots in a locker and took out my bottle of iced tea. I immediately regretted bringing iced tea to the gym. Who does that?

I left the W room and found my personal trainer waiting for me at a table near the entrance. She had a booklet with a list of questions she had to ask me to tailor my work out routine to my needs.

Trainer:  What kind of physical activity do you do?
Me:  A lot of this! *I mime eating a bag of chips and laugh*
Trainer: So that’s mostly an upper body work out.
Me: Ha! Okay in all honesty I do walk places.

Trainer: How many times a day do you walk?
Me: One.

Trainer: How long do you walk for?
Me: About 25 minutes. That’s how long it takes me to get from my house to Starbucks and back, if you factor in the couple minutes it takes when I notice I’m walking past Freak Lunchbox and stop in for some candy.

Trainer: I am now going to read a list of health problems and ask if you have any of them.
Me: All of the above!

Trainer: On a scale of one to ten how would you rate your nutrition?
Me: 5. Definitely 5.
Trainer: Why?
Me: Well like I eat healthy meals sometimes and I have healthy smoothies.
Trainer: Then why as low as 5?
Me: Chocolate….so much chocolate.

After I failed the questionnaire my personal trainer brought me into a room where she weighed me and used this fancy hand held machine to tell me how much body fat percentage I have (lots), how much of my body is water (lots) and what my BMI was (lots). That part wasn’t so hard. Except after looking at the scale I decided I needed to lose approximately 1 trillion pounds.

Next was the fun part. We went into a work out room with some mats and she asked to see me do a push up. HA!
I don’t know how to do a push up.
I tried one and she asked me to lower myself as low as possible. I figured that meant it was okay for me to just drop to the mat. It wasn’t okay.
She got me to do a couple push ups from my knees so that it wasn’t just a series of movements where I lift myself up and then promptly drop myself to the mat like a dead weight.

Then I had to do a squat. I made her show me what kind of squat she wanted. Apparently I just kept leaning forward and calling it a squat. In the end I figured out what a squat was and did a few. The whole time I could hear my iphone going off in my pocket with Word Press notifications and all I could think about was checking Word Press.

Next I had to do a plank. She had to show me twice how to do it and even then I sat there frustrated and defeated and had no clue what I was doing. I used to always do planks but they were the kind where my hands were clasped together. The only difference with this plank was that my hands were not clasped together. Apparently that makes all the difference in the world and my brain couldn’t figure out how that could be possible. I finally did one and then had to push my thighs and my “glutes” (which I wish people would just call my butt) together and hold it for awhile so she could see how strong certain muscles were.

She told me she had everything she needed and I proceeded to drop to the mat and lay there motionless. She told me we had to leave that room now so I jumped up and shouted “Have I lost 20 pounds yet?!” trying to be funny. I didn’t realize that while I was planking and laying motionless on the mat other gym members had come into the room to work out. They smirked at me a smirk that I assume meant “you are not worthy of being in my perfectly chiseled presence.”

Whatever, dude.

After all of that was done she sat me back down at the table to tell me my results.

“Did I fail?!” I eagerly asked. Apparently it’s not actually something you pass or fail. But I’m pretty sure if you could fail it I would have failed it.

In the end I decided that having a personal trainer would be a really good idea for me, even if it just meant that those 3 times a week I will be busy with another human in public so I can’t spend those 3 hours eating chocolate.

My only real concern with going to the gym, other than how scared and intimidated I am by professional gym goers, is that I didn’t see many outlets near the stationary bikes where I could plug my heating pad in. But if that’s my biggest complaint I guess I should probably start going to the gym. So it looks like I’m going to try working out at a gym! My personal trainer is a lovely human so I feel slightly less terrified by the gym now.

I figure worst case scenario I’ll just end up using the tables in the corner of the gym overlooking the harbour to sit and drink my caramel flan lattes. It will be like a fancy expensive country club full of lululemon models and naked ladies. I will probably never get used to the naked ladies though.

18 Comments on Lisa Tries Exercise

  1. Amanda
    January 15, 2014 at 7:10 pm (6 years ago)

    My sister and best friend both go to a personal trainer, and they love it. I’m sure it will be good for you in many ways. 🙂

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 20, 2014 at 12:32 am (6 years ago)

      Here’s hoping! It definitely seems like it can be helpful!

      Reply
  2. himigmeansmelody
    January 15, 2014 at 7:47 pm (6 years ago)

    Ah yes, I myself try to discreetly drool at those perfect bodies! A little motivation gets creepy though when they stare back and realize there’s a frumpy kid ogling them D:

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 20, 2014 at 12:32 am (6 years ago)

      I don’t really stare at gym bodies while they are working out because I’m always too busy trying to get a glimpse of what I look like in a mirror to see if I’m losing any weight while on the tread mill 😛

      Reply
  3. finlaygwynne
    January 15, 2014 at 8:31 pm (6 years ago)

    I did this too recently (and wrote a post about it too!) and I just as freaked out as you were. I definitely found that my personal trainer made me less nervous to go to the gym too, so I believe that you can do it! Good luck dear!

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 20, 2014 at 12:33 am (6 years ago)

      Going to your blog to read that post now. You give me hope that it can be done!

      Reply
      • finlaygwynne
        January 20, 2014 at 4:26 am (6 years ago)

        aww, thankyou! and it can absolutely be done. I completely surprised myself when I started

        Reply
  4. fisefton
    January 15, 2014 at 8:50 pm (6 years ago)

    I go to a personal trainer with my husband (when he’s at home) and on my own when he’s not. I can do so much more when I’m with my trainer rather than on my own. I get embaressed when I come face to face with the women who are so comfortable that they will stand naked in the changing room. I’ve learned to put my blinkers on and walk on past. I’m sure if you give it a chance you’ll enjoy it.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 20, 2014 at 12:34 am (6 years ago)

      When I see women standing naked in the changing room when clearly there are changing stalls it just makes me feel like I’m in high school all over again and they are the popular girls who have it all and I’m the nerdy girl with her big glasses and her rubber boots who changes bras underneath her t-shirt so no one has to see anything.

      Reply
  5. sarah9188
    January 16, 2014 at 2:29 pm (6 years ago)

    I felt like you could have written this about me, getting lost trying to get to the gym, feeling completely and totally insecure about being there and wanting to bolt, and eating so much chocolate. And the naked women – yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with that. I have some free gym sessions I’m supposed to be using before the end of January, and I’ve been terrified to go. If you can do it, maybe I can too.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 20, 2014 at 12:35 am (6 years ago)

      Use those gym sessions! You can do it! I believe in you! Worst case scenario you get something fun to write about out of it haha

      Reply
      • sarah9188
        January 20, 2014 at 4:42 pm (6 years ago)

        I did once and I’m going again tomorrow! I thought of you when I did! 🙂

        Reply
        • lisermarie2013
          January 21, 2014 at 1:22 pm (6 years ago)

          Yay! Motivating each other! Reading that reply made me feel a little guilty about the giant bag of mint M&Ms I am currently eating. I might even put them away now and go do five or six crunches.

          Reply
          • sarah9188
            January 21, 2014 at 6:30 pm (6 years ago)

            There are MINT MnMs?!?! Oh my word, I must have them. Suddenly, my Healthy Choice lunch sounds so blah. 🙂

  6. thebritishberliner
    January 20, 2014 at 5:36 pm (6 years ago)

    OMG. Your post is a scream. I couldn’t stop laughing cos we’ve all been there. The part where you didn’t know the various terms was hilarious!

    I can’t even remember when I last went to the “gym”. I mean, I’ve done a little bit of ballet, a little bit of hip-hop and a little bit of tango- dancing. I ought to do more I know.
    Recently, I’ve been doing some basic work-outs and I was do bad that they had to draw the squats and things one has to do with huge ball thingies, ‘cos I couldn’t remember what I had to do!
    Awkward!!

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      January 21, 2014 at 1:21 pm (6 years ago)

      A little bit of ballet, a little bit of hip-hop and a little bit of tango-dancing is a little bit more than I’ve ever done!
      I have a challenge for you. Try Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown.

      Reply
  7. The Hook
    January 29, 2014 at 3:53 pm (6 years ago)

    Yeah, naked ladies take a little getting used to…
    Good luck.

    Reply

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