If you have read my previous posts you know that I have recently been struggling with my weight due to high doses of prednisone. I confessed to a doctor that I didn’t want to take it anymore because it was making me gain weight and that was probably the worst thing in the world to me at the time. He sighed and gave me a prescription for it anyway, promising me that as soon as this prescription is over, bar any complications that would need me to go back on it, I would start to see the weight fade away in 3 weeks.
I was thrilled when he told me that. Back to my old half-skinny self in just three weeks! Plenty of time before my cousin`s wedding and before I have to fit back into that tight blue dress! Miracles do happen!
But I was a little naïve. I really believed that in 3 weeks ALL of the weight would disappear. Not just the water weight and swelling from the medication, but the weight of the seven thousand Kit Kat bars, six million sandwiches and two hundred pot roasts I ate while my appetite was ravenous, would vanish overnight. When I developed severe food allergies everyone’s go-to comment was “well you will certainly lose weight now that you can’t eat anything!” And I laughed and told them oh no, I will find a way. And I certainly did. I don’t recall a single moment that I felt underfed, thanks to all of those over-processed nut-free kids recess snacks you can buy at Wal-Mart. But the doctor basically just told me that none of that mattered, because all of that food wouldn’t leave it’s mark on my waist line. What an amazing weight loss secret, I thought. I won`t even have to work out!
Boy, was that stupid. I woke up every day after the 3 week mark, looked in the mirror, and wondered why I wasn`t seeing that weight disappear. I lost about five or seven pounds after the prednisone wore off, but all signs that I ate that much chocolate and pot roast remained visible. I still jiggle in places that I had never jiggled before.
So I started walking again. I decided that I would walk every single day and that way I wouldn`t really have to diet, because I love food and I have little to no self-discipline. Walking is fun so that wouldn`t feel like a chore. I could just come home from work, do my little stretches, put on my Hey Rosetta! mix on my iPod and sweat every last pound off while conditioning myself for my upcoming UK trip.
Problem is – it`s hard to walk every day when your muscles are as horrible as mine. Some walks would take several days to recover from. I always have the best intentions, but I’ve never heard of the Best Intentions Weight Loss Plan. For example, yesterday was a civic holiday in St. John’s so I woke up around 9:30 am, decided to make my lunch, pack it, and eat it on the top of this giant hill after I walked up it. I texted Boyfriend, politely asking him to check the cliffs around the hill if I go unheard from for 48 hours, and I got out of bed to dress for my trek. As soon as I stepped out of bed my ankle started throbbing and I got right back under the covers, said “fuck it,” and turned on Netflix. Best intentions indeed. So it looks like I won`t be seeing the weight loss results I expected by tying up my laces and hitting the trails.
That leaves me no other choice; I have to give up chocolate. There`s no way I can eat even a morsel of chocolate while I am trying to lose weight. Other junk foods are okay because with other junk foods I understand this notion that everything is okay in moderation so I eat a few bites and close the bag for later. With chocolate I turn into some sort of horrifying monster who must eat everything in it`s sight. I might as well walk around aimlessly with my arms out straight in front of me moaning NOM NOM NOM FEED ME. There`s honestly no such thing as saving some of that chocolate bar for later, or eating just a couple Rose Buds and then putting the box back in the cupboard. Ha! Is that actually a thing humans can do? Seriously, I’m so disgusting.
Maybe someday I can learn to be in a healthy relationship with chocolate, and then I can start casually dating it again and see how that works out. But for now, ours is a toxic relationship that must end, as heartbreaking as that is.
So today marks the first day of probably my biggest struggle to date. Some people say “no pain no gain,” and I’m going to change that around a bit and say “no chocolate no gain,” although the first saying works too because this will be extremely painful both physically (for my taste buds) and psychologically (chocolate makes me happy). It has only been several hours now – and its still morning which is usually a time that no one thinks about eating chocolate – but my tummy is growling angrily for some sweet Nestle goodness.
I assume you will receive hourly updates about my struggle. I can’t promise I will make it out alive. I’ve almost definitely created a monster. Good luck dealing with me now, Boyfriend!
If you need me I will be in the corner crying over an empty box of Rose Buds, trying to remember what they taste like.
God speed, loyal readers.