Back in January I made a promise to all of you that I would work on my fitness and do what I could to improve my health. Then I closed my laptop and went back to watching Modern Family and finishing my family sized bag of Ketchup chips.
Okay, to be fair there was that one attempt at working out at a gym that was documented on here, but the only real thing accomplished that day was an increase in my fear of seeing naked ladies in public.
So you may have lost hope in me. You may have said “Lisa will never work on her fitness and accomplish that resolution. She’s just like everyone else who makes a resolution.” (Although I’m sure you never once said that because really, who gives a shit about me and my resolutions?)
Well to all those who doubted me, I laugh in your faces! Because I went back to the gym, and I went back to personal training and I’ve worked out twice already this week! HA!
I tried a one hour long group exercise class on Monday. Which means I got to flail around like a spastic chicken who doesn’t understand what a barbell is for 30 minutes in front of approximately 30 ripped women, and then I got to spend another 30 minutes standing around and staring at all the fat on my arms and evaluating my split ends situation in a mirror while all of those ripped women continued working out around me. I’m sorry but how do you expect me to work out in a room filled with floor to ceiling mirrors? I’m surprised I didn’t do a duck face pose the entire sixty minutes.
Then I got another personal training assessment. The trainer checked my blood pressure and resting heart rate. A normal human being should have an ideal resting heart rate of 55-70. Mine was 108. My trainer actually gasped and then told me he could not promise that I was actually still alive. Then my lung age was tested by blowing into a machine. My lung age was 66. Instead of signing up for personal training I was kind of tempted to cut out early and meet with a lawyer to work on my will. But in all honesty it really opened my eyes to how absolutely horrible I am at being healthy and having the body a 25 year old is supposed to have. I went back to that mirror and looked hard at my reflection. Once I stopped doing duck face and resisting the urge to take a “post workout selfie” I gave myself a pep talk. “You have to change,” I told myself. “You can’t die yet, not when Netflix is so close to bringing Jericho back.”
So I went back to that personal trainer and had my first real session with him. He told me to do some squats. I did some squats. Then he told me to do some squats the real way someone is supposed to do squats. I fell over. “Baby steps” he said and then proceeded to have me do reps of sitting on a chair and getting back up. Baby steps indeed.
Then he noticed a stain on my shirt and casually said “what’s that?”
“Oh, just chocolate,”I said. And then realized how stupid I looked wearing an Adidas work out shirt covered in chocolate.
He made me do some other exercises. I did them. Then he made me do them the right way. I fell over some more.
After an hour of falling over and grunting like Serena Williams I was free to leave. I changed out of my chocolate covered work out clothes and went to catch the bus home. On the way to the bus I walked past Laura Secord and bought some chocolate covered marshmallow Brooms that were on sale. 3 for $1! How could I pass that up? What a deal! I figured the marshmallow brooms were some sort of Olympic promo to celebrate the sport of curling. I brought them home and to reward myself for doing reps of sitting in a chair and getting back up I ate 3 chocolate brooms for $1. And then I realized why they were so cheap. They are witches brooms from Halloween and had gone stale.
So am I changing my life around the way I said I would while deciding my New Years Resolutions? You be the judge. Today I worked out for a whole hour at the speed of a dying turtle and then had stale marshmallows on a stick for supper.
I personally think that’s an improvement! I’m practically Jillian Michaels now.
Okay maybe that is an exaggeration, but it’s all about baby steps, right?