Today I visited my friend Rebbey for a massage. I can’t even begin to tell you how earth shatteringly exciting today was because it was Massage Day. Even Boyfriend text me periodically to remind me, just in case I was sad about things, because how can you be sad when you’re about to have a magical massage? If I could skip without puncturing a lung or somehow developing rheumatic fever I would have skipped all day. And whistled. I would have skipped and whistled while I thought about the massage that was only a few hours away.

I thought about it while watching terrible documentaries on Netflix. I thought about it while readjusting my dog bed and heating pad for better comfort. I thought about it while eating a cupcake. I thought about it while drinking fruitopia. I thought about it while cleaning the lint off my leggings. I thought about it while playing Double Down Casino on Facebook (I seriously need new hobbies)

“This massage will make everything better,” I told myself the whole day. “If you can just make it to your massage time then nothing bad will ever happen to you ever again. No more pain ever. Just all happy all the time!”

I showed up for my massage and Gladney asked me what I would like her to work on.

“Everything.”

“You are going to have to be a little more specific than that…” she said.

“Okay. My legs, my arms, my back, my chest, my neck. I would also say stomach but I assume you can’t massage a stomach.”

“Okay, so everything it is.”

The massage started off nice enough. She played relaxing music. I felt relaxed. The lighting was dim. It was really rather romantic. And exciting! Because it was massage time!! And we all know how exciting that is!!

And then it happened. She actually began massaging me. And it was hell. *

Then I realized that everything I had told myself was a lie. Every single time I am scheduled for a massage I have this completely delusional image in my head of what a massage experience will be like, and it is a transcendent, amazing out of body sort of experience. And I never seem to learn. Because by now I should know better. I should know that my massage experience is not so much like reaching nirvana as it is like being a character in the movie Hostel (slight exaggeration).  I just have to try extra hard to remember this for next time, so that maybe I can mentally prepare myself.

Lisa’s idea of what a massage will feel like hours before her scheduled massage:Image
It is a ride through the clouds and rainbows on a unicorn.
It is that moment at the end of a Full House episode where Danny gives you amazing life advice and the background music swells comfortingly.
It is skipping in a field of flowers in a summer dress.
It is a picnic by the lake followed by a gondola ride.
It is your boyfriend winning the big teddy bear at the state fair and then sharing cotton candy with you.

What a massage really feels like to Lisa during the massage:

It is a ride on an evil unicorn and the rainbows are actually just colourful fire.
It is the episode of Full House where Michelle falls off the horse and gets amnesia.
It is skipping in a field of flowers in a summer dress when you are allergic to flowers and then you step on a bee hive.
It is a picnic by the lake followed by a ride in a gondola that springs a leak and sinks.
It is sharing cotton candy with your boyfriend at the state fair and then throwing up on him during a ride and then he breaks up with you because you’re disgusting and drives off in his pick up truck and you have no way to get home so you actually consider becoming a carnie even though you’re only 2 semesters away from finishing your undergraduate degree. And then you get rabies from a racoon that eats from the same garbage as you behind the ferris wheel because that’s your home now.

racoonrabies2

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DISCLAIMER: Gladney is a phenomenal massage therapist and helps my muscle spasticity immensely it is just not a fun process because, well, my muscles have proverbially shit the proverbial bed. But aside from saying that I feel like a character in the movie Hostel while being massaged by her I would recommend her to anyone.  Gladney – feel free to use this as a review on Yelp.

20 Comments on A (sort of) illustrated guide to massage therapy.

  1. jamespatrickcasey
    February 11, 2014 at 6:49 am (5 years ago)

    ‘Science taught me that soda pop doesn’t get mouldy’ is perhaps the greatest life advice I’ve ever heard.

    Also, they just wait around in darkness in the first circle of Hell – because massages are physical, I’d imagine they’d be more like the fifth circle, where the wrathful are constantly fighting. Just sayin’.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      February 11, 2014 at 6:50 am (5 years ago)

      I was trying not to be overdramatic so I didn’t feel like going too far into hell but maybe you’re right. Maybe what I experienced is more like the 5th circle and it’s not overdramatic at all for me to say that.

      Reply
      • jamespatrickcasey
        February 11, 2014 at 6:54 am (5 years ago)

        All Hell’s pretty dramatic, and I think being screwed over with rabies when you expected unicorns is enough of a painful difference to warrant any circle. I hear there are no unicorns in Hell.

        Reply
          • jamespatrickcasey
            February 11, 2014 at 7:15 am (5 years ago)

            Perhaps God has a similar chart he uses to put us in the various bits of Hell, Purgatory and Heaven – it would be cool if it was that diagram though.

            I also like how they use ‘Boyfriend’ as a name, not a title too. I think that’s a cool thing to do.

          • lisermarie2013
            February 11, 2014 at 7:17 am (5 years ago)

            I like it too, obviously. I feel like the least you can do for your boyfriend when you put his life on the internets for other people to read is to just refer to him as Boyfriend.

          • jamespatrickcasey
            February 11, 2014 at 7:21 am (5 years ago)

            What if you want to refer to an ex? Are they ‘Ex-Boyfriend’? I feel that would get confusing if you want to talk about multiple people like that.

          • lisermarie2013
            February 11, 2014 at 7:23 am (5 years ago)

            Well I don’t think you care so much about what you’re referring to an ex-boyfriend as. I would probably just start giving them names of X-Men characters.

          • jamespatrickcasey
            February 11, 2014 at 7:25 am (5 years ago)

            I see what you did there.

            That would be fun, unless they find your blog and get annoyed at being called a character they don’t like. But you’d probably be beyond caring by that point?

  2. NotAPunkRocker
    February 11, 2014 at 7:38 am (5 years ago)

    Feeling like a character in Hostel while being massaged? That really is a new level of intensity!

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      February 11, 2014 at 7:39 am (5 years ago)

      Yup. Definitely not exaggerating… Haha

      Reply
  3. C C
    February 11, 2014 at 9:36 am (5 years ago)

    It’s like you read my mind!! I have the same thought process every Monday and the few days leading up to it, when I meet with my massage therapist. There are parts of my back she touches that makes me automatically swing a punch from the bed, despite how lovely she is haha!! I couldn’t even count the amount of times we’re both apologizing to each other in a single visit.

    I imagine it’s like a less dramatic version of having a baby. A terribly painful experience that you continuously and automatically forget about until you’re back in the situation again.

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      February 11, 2014 at 2:39 pm (5 years ago)

      I feel like maybe next time we should bring our massage therapists some flowers to apologize in advance for our actions.

      Reply
      • lisermarie2013
        February 11, 2014 at 2:39 pm (5 years ago)

        Also, I wonder if massage therapists get danger pay? They should.

        Reply
        • C C
          February 15, 2014 at 3:35 pm (5 years ago)

          Hahahahha they definitely should get some sort of danger pay!

          Reply
  4. Blockader
    February 11, 2014 at 4:13 pm (5 years ago)

    Two my surprise I discovered soda can get moldy. I just wish it was my mouth that made the discovery.

    Reply
  5. Chantel (your Sarcastic Overlord)
    February 15, 2014 at 10:10 pm (5 years ago)

    That’s exactly how I feel during a message. But SO much better afterward.

    Also, the picture with you at the garbage with the raccoon? BEST PICTURE EVER!

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      July 29, 2014 at 12:56 pm (4 years ago)

      Thanks, girl! I’m quite the artist!
      I feel wonderful after the massage too so it’s worth the pain!

      Reply
  6. The Hook
    February 22, 2014 at 9:38 pm (5 years ago)

    I don’t think I’m sold on the concept of massage…

    Reply
    • lisermarie2013
      July 29, 2014 at 12:56 pm (4 years ago)

      Just don’t go into it with the high hopes I have and you should be okay 😛

      Reply

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