Today I visited my friend Rebbey for a massage. I can’t even begin to tell you how earth shatteringly exciting today was because it was Massage Day. Even Boyfriend text me periodically to remind me, just in case I was sad about things, because how can you be sad when you’re about to have a magical massage? If I could skip without puncturing a lung or somehow developing rheumatic fever I would have skipped all day. And whistled. I would have skipped and whistled while I thought about the massage that was only a few hours away.
I thought about it while watching terrible documentaries on Netflix. I thought about it while readjusting my dog bed and heating pad for better comfort. I thought about it while eating a cupcake. I thought about it while drinking fruitopia. I thought about it while cleaning the lint off my leggings. I thought about it while playing Double Down Casino on Facebook (I seriously need new hobbies)
“This massage will make everything better,” I told myself the whole day. “If you can just make it to your massage time then nothing bad will ever happen to you ever again. No more pain ever. Just all happy all the time!”
I showed up for my massage and Gladney asked me what I would like her to work on.
“You are going to have to be a little more specific than that…” she said.
“Okay. My legs, my arms, my back, my chest, my neck. I would also say stomach but I assume you can’t massage a stomach.”
“Okay, so everything it is.”
The massage started off nice enough. She played relaxing music. I felt relaxed. The lighting was dim. It was really rather romantic. And exciting! Because it was massage time!! And we all know how exciting that is!!
And then it happened. She actually began massaging me. And it was hell. *
Then I realized that everything I had told myself was a lie. Every single time I am scheduled for a massage I have this completely delusional image in my head of what a massage experience will be like, and it is a transcendent, amazing out of body sort of experience. And I never seem to learn. Because by now I should know better. I should know that my massage experience is not so much like reaching nirvana as it is like being a character in the movie Hostel (slight exaggeration). I just have to try extra hard to remember this for next time, so that maybe I can mentally prepare myself.
Lisa’s idea of what a massage will feel like hours before her scheduled massage:
It is a ride through the clouds and rainbows on a unicorn.
It is that moment at the end of a Full House episode where Danny gives you amazing life advice and the background music swells comfortingly.
It is skipping in a field of flowers in a summer dress.
It is a picnic by the lake followed by a gondola ride.
It is your boyfriend winning the big teddy bear at the state fair and then sharing cotton candy with you.
What a massage really feels like to Lisa during the massage:
It is a ride on an evil unicorn and the rainbows are actually just colourful fire.
It is the episode of Full House where Michelle falls off the horse and gets amnesia.
It is skipping in a field of flowers in a summer dress when you are allergic to flowers and then you step on a bee hive.
It is a picnic by the lake followed by a ride in a gondola that springs a leak and sinks.
It is sharing cotton candy with your boyfriend at the state fair and then throwing up on him during a ride and then he breaks up with you because you’re disgusting and drives off in his pick up truck and you have no way to get home so you actually consider becoming a carnie even though you’re only 2 semesters away from finishing your undergraduate degree. And then you get rabies from a racoon that eats from the same garbage as you behind the ferris wheel because that’s your home now.
DISCLAIMER: Gladney is a phenomenal massage therapist and helps my muscle spasticity immensely it is just not a fun process because, well, my muscles have proverbially shit the proverbial bed. But aside from saying that I feel like a character in the movie Hostel while being massaged by her I would recommend her to anyone. Gladney – feel free to use this as a review on Yelp.